I don't get out much anymore. Mostly because I work 3 jobs and don't really have the time. Sleep seems more important these days and boozin at bars is a good way to waste a lot of money. But last night I decided to go out with some friends after we got done working the hockey game.
Everything seemed ordinary; the bar was busy but not too crowded, Friday Night Karaoke was in full swing and a good time was being had by all. My buddy Jim(names changed to protect the innocent) had his beer goggles on and was chatting up this thick, moderately attractive chick in the corner.
I get my drink(sailor and seven, splash of lime juice) and step outside to smoke a cigar. A few minutes later this little spitfire of a chick rolls into the parking lot and my buddy Wayne and I jump in her SUV to partake of a medicinal cigar(if you're pickin up what I'm puttin down). Whilst we are adjusting our attitudes we see Jim's car pull into the parking lot and park adjacent to where we are sitting. He's just across the parking lot, but not right in front of us. We see him get into the back seat with the girl he was just chatting up.
"Oh hell no," I say, "he's totally about to nail her in the parking lot."
"And if we pretend we're not looking we'll see the whole thing."
The spitfire was right, when he looked over we all looked away and pretty soon the car was rockin and the windows were foggin. So we watched and laughed for a while as we smoked. I then decided his buddies couldn't miss this. They were smoking on the patio, I went over and told them to follow me.
"Check out your boy." and I pointed to the car.
"HOLY SHIT!" they exclaimed and burst into laughter. After a few minutes they figured out the chick was the girl from inside.
"This is epic, who's got a camera?"
"Here use my phone." The spitfire handed him her phone and he went over to get some evidence of the debauchery. The camera flash tipped them off and Jim looked up with confusion and terror on his face. The chick must have freaked out, because she was soon running back into the bar to get cleaned up. Jim stepped out of the car to a standing ovation. He did not appreciate the gesture and quickly mooned us. We told him we were all proud of his accomplishment. But if he didn't want to put on a show, he shouldn't have parked where everyone could see them.
We carried on as people typically do after such things. Shots were purchased, jokes were made, embarrassment was felt. The funniest part was, back in the bar Jim's lover was being fawned over by a some guy in a blue shirt.
"She gonna do him too?" I said to my buddy Aaron
"Probably." he said with a laugh
The guy stepped out to smoke a cigarette and I got another drink. Aaron and I were bullshitting at the bar when he suggested we go outside, he wanted a cigarette and I had another cigar to smoke. As soon as we walked out the door we saw the guy in the blue shirt that was fawning over the sloot and a guy in a grey hoodie standing toe to toe about to throw down.
Being the peacemaker that I am I walked up and asked what the problem was. They didn't respond, the guy in the hoodie swung on Bue Shirt and it was on. Hoodie knocked Blue Shirt down onto a bench on the patio and tried to ground n pound. Blue Shirt fought his way off the bench and started to take control. Hoodie's buddy tried to jump the patio wall to break it up, but ended up on the concrete with his face bouncing off the bench. Meanwhile, Blue Shirt and Hoodie were exchanging blows right in front of me.
Now in my years as a bartender/bouncer I've learned it's best to let the guys fight it out for a minute, because it's easier to break up a fight when the guys are tired. Blue Shirt grabbed a beer bottle, smashed it on Hoodie's face, and I decided that was enough. I opened the door to the bar, yelled to the bartender what was happening, and grabbed my buddy Wayne. I grabbed Hoodie with a double chicken wing pinning his arms behind his back and Wayne grabbed Blue Shirt. Hoodie was still steaming and now bleeding from little glass cuts. He locked himself in his truck and yelled at his buddy lets leave.
But the bartender wouldn't let him leave on account of his open tab, but he wouldn't come inside as long as Blue Shirt was there. Blue Shirt said he was done fighting, he's the one that got attacked after all, but the guy that loses rarely wants to walk away. Especially if he thinks he's tough and wants to save face, unless he's been beat to a pulp. This guy, however, took the cowards way out and called the police.
Now I'm not saying people shouldn't call the police if they've been attacked, but if you start a bar fight and lose you should just take your ass home. I didn't stick around to see what the cops did. I'm not trying to be a witness to anything. I don't need that drama in my life.
You may be asking yourself, What lessons can we take away from the events of the evening?
- If you're gonna nail a girl in the parking lot of the bar, don't do it where everyone can see you.
- If you start a bar fight and lose, learn from your mistake and take your ass home.
Until next time kids. Keep livin the dream and don't let your meat loaf.
