Not That I'm An Expert: How To Pick Up Chicks

Another wasted day sitting at the compost site. I really shouldn't bitch, when people yearn to have one job and i've got three, two of which are very cushy. Sitting at the compost site wasting my potential. Trying to write something readable, interesting, and possibly significant. Meanwhile, I drink and smoke and fuck and party, responsibly.

I've found moderation, so to speak. Sometimes it doesn't work out. But mostly anymore I can find the perfect level of intoxication where my sliver tongue is not impeded by my lack of confidence and I can woo any woman. Can't do it if i'm stoned though, I just stare like a downy and drool all over myself. I'm lucky if I manage to mumble “titties” let alone carry on witty conversation that lets me get into the chicks pants.

Cuz lets face it folks i'm not getting the cover of men's health anytime soon. I've always been heavy set and I like to eat. So go fuck yourself if you've got a problem with that. But anyway, i'm not winning any body building competitions so i've got to literally charm the pants off of girls. Luckily i'm well read and well traveled, at least in the country, haven't got out of it yet. But I plan to.

So I tell them i'm a writer, and that Californication show is kind of popular, I don't look like a fat david duchovny or anything. But they almost expect you to be a boozing, womanizing, down for anything kind of guy. So I play that up, a little. Thank you sir. Maybe I tell them i'm published, but it's true, kind of. As far as I know the stuff I wrote for that doctor's website was published on his website. But it was mostly bullshit and I didn't get paid that much. I did get paid though and my terms for calling yourself something legitimately are: You have to be paid to do the job to call yourself a doer of said job. I was paid to write something, ergo I am a writer(however, middle school science teachers that teach kids to shoot off those small rockets are not rocket scientists, sorry).

Three words, just go with it. Thing of it is though, i've been that way since I was like 15. ask people I grew up with, my place was always where the party was at. Which was awesome and terrible at the same time. Nerve racking as all hell, running what was essentially an underage club, a minor speakeasy if you will, on the weekends when my mom was out of town. Trying to keep the noise down, watch out for cops and still let people have fun, get drunk, get laid. Got busted a couple times. Had 3 minor consumption tickets before I was 18. did I mention alcoholism runs on my dad's side. I've got it under control now, mostly. Swear.

I always say its gotta be 2 outta 3. when ever you try something ya gotta make sure the first time wasn't a fluke so ya gotta go 2 outta 3. just to be sure. Except butt stuff, that grosses me out. I'm not into dudes. If that's your thing that's fine. Who you want to fuck is your business, unless you want to fuck me, then it's my business and the answer is no. I might let you blow me tho, depends on how long it's been.

So back to being a writer, sometimes that angle works if I get the right chick and play it the right way. The angle not her, she's not an it, she's a person. Just dumber, easily swayed with booze and bravado. Not that i'm not, i'm a sucker for a pretty face. Ya just gotta know how to play the angles.