Adventures in Sobriety

Day 3:

So a few days ago I had the worst anxiety attack of my life. It was brought on, I'm sad to say, by marijuana. For three hours I had an intense fear that the promotion I'm interviewing for at work was actually my boss' way of trying to get rid of me, even though he expressly said he wasn't. But I just couldn't stop the feeling of almost certainty that I was going to soon be fired and all that I have accomplished in the past few years would fall apart and come crashing down. Luckily the girl I'm seeing was over and able to distract me through most of the attack, but it didn't go away. It was still in the back of my mind like a voice screaming at me that I was going to be fired, I'd loose my car, I'd loose my house, I'd have to go back to live with my mother(which scared me most of all) I'd become a loser like my step brother. All of these fears took over the floor of my cerebral senate and would not relinquish it.

So for roughly three hours my subconscious was locked in battle with my conscious mind trying to prevent a total fucking breakdown. I picture it as an epic battle between two samurai masters with my sanity as the prize and it took all of my meditation talent to focus and prevail. It was the worst 3 hours of my life, worse than having to sit through a Nic Cage movie marathon.

But that wasn't the only reason I've decided to quit smoking pot. I've been kicking the idea around for a few weeks now. Mainly because it's just not fun anymore. It's become something I do out of habit, not something I do for recreation. Almost my defining characteristic. I know this from the shock in people's voices and expressions when I tell them I quit. Not that I'm quitting or cutting back or taking a tolerance break. I quit. I'm fucking dunzo.

Back in the day when I would smoke pot with friends it was an event. We got our pot, we got some good tunes to jam to, got some trippy movies to watch, covered the munchie food groups; sweet, salty, chocolate, greasy, got baked and waxed philosophical whilst watching said movies and listening to said tunes. It was great fun. So, naturally, it started happening more and more and then it got to the point that I would do it by myself and when I would do it with friends we would just get stoned and stare at each other or whatever was on the tube.

It started to get really bad when I started selling. I figured if all my friends were smoking pot, they might as well buy it from me. Then other people started buying from me, at my height I had about 30 people that bought pot from me on the regular. It was good money, it kept my bills paid while I was unemployed for a few months. After I got back to work tho I closed up shop except for a few close friends, who had no other sources.

It was a good run, had a lot of fun. Now don't worry, I'm not jumping sides and declaring marijuana an evil drug. I don't even think of it as a drug, it's just a plant. A plant with many wonderful uses. A drug is something man made, not something you grow, pick, dry and smoke. I just used it to the excess of excess. Like all good things, if not used in moderation it can be bad for you. But I still believe it should be legalized, alcohol is legal and it's ill effects are infinitely worse.

So here we are at day three and I don't even miss it. This is way easier than quitting cigarettes (5 months strong). There have been no withdrawal symptoms. I can feel my mind clearing, my vocabulary is expanding, my wit is getting sharper, my appetite is getting smaller and my willpower stronger. I've still got pot at my house, but I just have no desire to smoke it. A wise man once said "when the desire to quit becomes stronger than the desire to use, you will be free." or something to that effect.

Here is what you should be afraid of. Even with my excessively massive amount of pot use I've been able to hold down three jobs in a time when a lot of people are struggling to find and keep one. I've got a newish car and a house on a lake. All of this I've accomplished while staying baked out of my mind. Imagine what I will accomplish now that I'm sober.